Forever_Amber
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1#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA 
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 7:53 AM)
"Hey Petey! Lemme in! I'm dead!
Too many dames were in my bed!
They wanted me! They got undressed!
I'm all worn out, I need some rest.
They tempted me with brazen ways
And wouldn't listen to my nays!
I said "No no!" But they refused!
Have mercy Pete! I was abused!
I was too hot for my own good,
And I resisted best I could!
But then they threw themselves at me
I let 'em have the chamber key!
They'd come into my room at night
And I could not put up a fight!
I was a sexy, virile man
I'm sure that you can understand!"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
"But Hal! I cannot let you in!
Your life was full of naughty sin!
Bad boy! You had too many wives!
You made them sad! You gave them hives!
You gave them hope! You made them queens!
You wed a woman in her teens!
You grossed her out! You made her sick
And then you cut her head off quick!
Go straight to Hell! Do not pass go!
They're waiting for you down below!
Your wives are here where they belong
They don't want you to tag along." |
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Forever_Amber
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2#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 7:57 AM)
I'm old! I'm fat! The end is near,
So I'll sit down and have a beer!
I have a boo boo on my leg,
It hurts! I Think I'll drink a keg.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
I know that soon I'm gonna die
It will be time to say "Bye bye!"
Then Pete will open up the gate,
And I will enter! It's my fate!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
I am the king! I will get in
In spite of all my earthly sin!
So what if I had many wives!
I was the best thing in their lives!
******************************
I made 'em queens! I gave 'em jewels,
But most of them were awful fools!
Three Kates, two Anne's, a single Jane,
And all of them gave me a pain!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Kate Aragon would not produce
And so I let the woman loose!
I dumped the broad for Anne Boleyn
And then I thought, "I'm gonna win!"
???????????????????????????????
But Anne was just as bad as Kate!
And soon the passion turned to hate!
She had no sons, so I got bored,
And chopped her head off with a sword.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I married Jane! She made a boy!
An heir! A son! It gave me joy!
But then she died cuz she was weak
When all her insides took a leak.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
I mourned for just a little while
And then the frown became a smile!
I knew I could go on with life
And so I took a another wife!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
I fell in love! I saw her pic!
But when I met 'er I got sick!
I married her to save some face
But couldn't take her anyplace!
*****************************
I boned her not! We got divorced,
Because she looked just like a horse.
I gave her money! I was nice!
But soon, I executed twice.
#################################
Kate Howard soon came into view,
And so I wed another shrew!
She fooled around, and she was lax,
I chopped her head off with an axe.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Alas! I was without a mate,
And then I met another Kate.
Her name is Parr, she is my nurse .
She poisons me and I get worse.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
So pretty soon I will be dead
Because of all the wives I've wed.
Too many dames! Of course I'll die!
I should've given men a try.
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Forever_Amber
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3#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 8:22 AM)
" Hey Tommy More! Come hither man!
I've simply got to marry Anne!
She will not get into my bed
Unless she is the queen instead!
I must have Anne! She makes me hot!
She's turns me on, and Kate does not!
Besides, I still don't have a son,
And Anne is gonna give me one.
Now I must rid myself of Kate
Cuz I want more than just a date,
So go and tell the Spanish cow
That I am dumping her right now! "
" But Henry! Katie is your wife!
You said you'd bone her all your life!
I cannot do it! She's the queen!
She's gonna think that I am mean! "
"Now listen Tommy, I am king
You must obey my everything!
When you are done, go see the pope
And tell him Kathy is a dope!
She can't have sons, and she is old,
And Annie's much more fun to hold!
It must be done! I want divorce!
Arrange it now without remorse! "
" I will not do it! Anne's a whore!
You shouldn't see her anymore!
You've gotta to ditch the trampy dame
And go confess your guilty shame! "
"Now Tommy, you have one more chance
To give support to my romance!
I canned the pope! He's in the lurch!
Now I'm the head of Englands church! "
Just sign this piece of paper now,
And give the king your solemn vow!
Agree that I am most supreme
And that you'll play on Tudor's team! "
" I cannot do it! Take my head!
I'll bow down to the pope instead!
You were my friend, now you're a foe.
The seasons come, and then they go." |
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Forever_Amber
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4#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 8:26 AM)
The Pope has kicked me out of church
While he is roosting on his perch!
I can't believe I got the boot
Cuz Cathy is no longer cute.
She didn't turn me on no more
And so I found the Boleyn whore!
She's fertile and she'll have a son
Since Cathy wouldn't give me one.
What could I do? Twas not my fault
The marriage had come to a halt.
Since other guys can get divorced,
I wanted one for me, of course!
He said I had to keep my vow
To satisfy the Spanish cow!
I said, "No no! It won't be done!
I'll marry Anne and have some fun!"
He wasn't fond of my reply
Since I am not his type of guy,
And so he kicked me out the door
I ain't a Catholic anymore |
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Forever_Amber
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5#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 8:30 AM)
I'm buying a sleeping injection machine
And give it to Henry to use on a queen.
He'd think it was poison to make her quite dead
But really, she'd sleep and she'd still have her head.
King Henry would have an outstanding collection
Of poor Sleeping Beauties who lost his affection.
They'd slumber as though they no longer had lives
And Henry would think he was rid of some wives.
They'd slumber for years ! They would have pretty dreams !
And Hank would get fatter and bust all his seams !
They'd have their revenge when they'd finally awake
And Hank would drop dead when he saw his mistake.
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Forever_Amber
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6#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 8:55 AM)
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Yo Abbey ! I am writing you
So write back fore the day is through !
My wives are dead, I'm all alone
I need another broad to bone !
I dumped the first for number two.
I killed her cuz she didn't do !
Then number three just up and died
Because she bled a lot inside.
So help me out ! I want a queen !
She must be hot or I'll get mean !
How do I find another wife
Who's not afraid of me for life ?
His Majesty,
Henry Tudor
King of England |
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Your Hiney ! I'm so glad you wrote !
You MUST put Hans upon a boat !
Send him to Cleves where Anne awaits
And she'll outshine your other mates !
He'll paint her face , you'll fall in love ,
And thank the lucky stars above !
You'll marry her without much haste
And thank me for my perfect taste .
Your most loyal subject,
Abigail Van Buren
Love is my business |
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Forever_Amber
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7#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 8:57 AM)
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You stupid dame ! I want you dead !
I will not take this wife to bed !
She's ugly , and what's more , she's gross ,
Her legs are lined with vericose !
I won't make Annie meet the axe
Because your love advice was lax,
But I will get a quick divorce
Because she looks just like a horse.
I married her to save some face,
But I can't take her anyplace !
So if you'd like to keep your head,
You'll find me someone else instead.
Harummph ! !
Henry Tudor
Mad as a hatter |
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Yer Madge ! I beg your pardon sir !
It's YOUR fault that you married her !
What are you ? Blind ? Can you not see?
I don't know why you're blaming ME !
But I forgive you. Got no grudge.
I found a broad who's hot as fudge !
Her name is Cathy , she's a teen
When you meet her, you'll make her queen!
You'll jump for joy ! Head over heels !
You're gonna know how true love feels.
This Howard dame is not a slouch,
She's gonna pass the casting couch.
Your most obedient
and FORGIVING servant,
Abigail Van Buren
Advice to the lovelorn at it's best. |
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Yo Abbs ! I just got my divorce
And Cathy has said " Yes ! " , of course !
So in a while , we will be wed ,
And I will let you keep you head.
So far , she's flawless , what a rose !
My love for her just grows and grows......
That is , until I find a thorn
Then you'll be sorry you were born.
Henry, the King |
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Hey Hank ! I know she has no flaws,
Cuz I'm as wise as Mrs. Claus.
She is my gift to you, my king,
So you can let my freedom ring.
Now if you find out she 's a slut,
You must blame your enourmous gut !
She may not like it that you're fat
And cannot swing your baseball bat.
So when he slips , accept the fall
And don't pay me another call !
I'm hanging up my pen and inks
Because your love life really stinks !
Abigail Van Buren
No longer counsel to the king |
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How DARE you tell me not to write !
I AM the KING ! It's not polite !
I just found out that Cate's a tramp
She's sleeping with that Tomy scamp!
She wrote a note and wants me dead
And I replied, "Off WITH her head !"
And while I'm at it, off wih yours
For getting me hooked up with whores. |
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Forever_Amber
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8#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:07 AM)
There once was a king who was dreaded
Because he had spouses beheaded
When Henry was tired, his women expired.
And then they were no longer wedded. |
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Forever_Amber
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9#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:07 AM)
Now if Jane didn't die when she gave him a son,
Then she'd end up beheaded for giving him one.
Since no broad ever really was perfect for Hank
Because he was a pig and I say that he stank!!
Now he always found fault with the women he wed
And they ended up dumped or were neckless instead.
So I say if the queen didn't die when she did
That the king would get mad cuz she had a sick kid. |
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Forever_Amber
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10#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:08 AM)
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I want divorced and he says "Nope ! "
But I'm the king, he's just a pope.
So I don't care what he may say
Because I really want my way !
You see, I wed my brother's mate
And no sons and sealed my fate.
It proved that God was mad at us,
He said to dump her ! What's ths fuss ?
So excommunicate me now
Because I took a worhtless vow.
The wedding was a bad mistake
Because the marriage was a fake.
I'm doing what I know is right,
By boning Miss Boleyn tonight
With Katie gone, and Anne in bed,
I'll get the boy I want instead.
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Forever_Amber
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11#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:10 AM)
Cathy was the Spanish Cow who took a phony wedding vow,
And Annie Boleyn lost her head because she had a girl instead.
Then Janie Seymour had a son and dried up when the job was done.
Next Anne of Cleves was sent away when Henry's member wouldn't play
Then Catie Howard was the slut who couldn't keep her chamber shut.
So when he married Cathy Parr, she proved to be the best so far...
Because Henry had an icky leg and it grossed everybody out and they puked when they saw it except Cathy Parr who nursed it anyway because she loved Thomas Seymour and wanted to inherit all of Henry's money and give it to Thomas who really wanted to marry Elizabeth and be King but Elizabeth wouldn't marry him because she didn't want to have babies and lose her flat stomach so she died as a frustrated old virgin who never had any sex and then there weren't anymore Tudors left.
The End |
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Forever_Amber
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12#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:15 AM)
Saint Henry here! Well howdy doo!
You didn't know I was, did you?
I got the proof! So lend an ear
Accept the facts and have no fear!
I reigned for years and followed ropes
Attending mass, obeying popes.
I did communion, drank the wine
To thus assure my soul was fine!
I got baptized! I got all wet,
And loved most women that I met.
I went to church, I said some prayers
And I attended papal fairs.
For years I followed all the rules,
And only murdered stupid fools!
I was a much beloved king
Who often shared his wedding ring.
I hear it now, you all agree,
There was no finer king than me,
But miracles are on your mind,
And now you want to know, "What kind?"
Well here's what happened! This is fact!
Aren't miracles a magic act?
I did it lots, year after year
By making spouses disappear. |
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Forever_Amber
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13#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:20 AM)
Historical fiction is what I do best!
I take all the facts and I see they get messed!
How I love to adorn the real truth with a laugh
Hank married two cousins and cut 'em in half.
There once was a time when each wife had a head
And they made the king mad and he wanted 'em dead
So he hired some guys with a sword and an axe
Who could slice off a head with just one or two whacks.
The queens were dismayed! They said, "Golly! Oh my!
Just make me a nun, cuz I don't wanna die!
But the Mother Superior said, "Goodness, no!
You are getting beheaded cuz Henry said so!
Now you cannot be nuns for I only take maids
And I know that each one of you did panty raids!
The courts found you guilty of sharing your wares
And proved you had lovers and one or two spares."
So off to the scaffolds the queens went their ways.
Each one got beheaded on separate days,
Anne practiced her French, but it wasn't enough
She begged for her life, but the swordsman said, "Tough!"
Then Cathy was next! She said "Bring me a block!
They're gonna behead me, I don't want a shock!
I'll practice for hours and get it just right
Cuz it won't do no good if I put up a fight."
Each one of 'em died as they held their heads high
And got whacked only once by a real scary guy.
Hank married again and again and again
And he didn't trust none of his women with men.
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Forever_Amber
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14#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:21 AM)
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She'd be lovely and alluring if her head was still enduring,
Attached, not gone instead.
With a baby in her middle, she'd be fit as any fiddle
If she only had a head.
She was the woman of the hour, seduced by all his power,
In love with all he said,
So she married Henry Tudor and he couldn't be much ruder,
He released her from her head.
Can't you see? On bended knee
Above, a sword held high....
In a moment, Anne Boleyn
Would lose her head and die.
It was gruesome, it was icky, and her blood was getting sticky
When her head rolled on the floor,
Then he lifted it and bore it for the crowd who clamored for it
"Here's the head of Henry's whore!"
How he loved a good beheading from the women he was shedding,
It was cheaper than divorce.
So he did it to another who would never be a mother,
Cathy Howard died of course.
She was young and she was rosy, but the council men were nosy
When a man was in her bed.
Henry first was in denial and there never was a trial,
Then the Thorny Rose was dead. |
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Forever_Amber
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15#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:24 AM)
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I've heard he was. Do you think so? Or was it the power that came with his being King. That can be pretty seductive. He must have had something going for him. |
Of course I was sexy! How DARE you inquire?
I was London's most sought after nookie desire!
They broads stood in line like a dog for a bone
And I bagged 'em all good and I made 'em all moan!
Recall how I dumped on my wife number one?
And she cried like a babe when she missed all the fun?
She wanted me bad, she was hot for my bed,
And she hated to see me with Annie instead!
But I didn't cave in, and I got a divorce,
And I married Boleyn as a matter of course.
But alas, I got bored so I whacked off her head
So that I could make whoopie with Seymour instead.
The dame had no chin but I didn't care less,
Cuz she had what I wanted right under her dress,
But she died really quick when I knocked her up good
So I got me another like any man would!
The woman from Cleves thought I was a real stud
But she neighed like a horse, and she looked like a bud
So I hastened a quickie but royal divorce.
(Poor thing couldn't help it she looked like a horse.)
And then I met Cathy, I boned her a lot
And I made her a queen, gave her all that I got!
I got her addicted! I knew that I would,
In a matter of time she was up to no good.
So I cut off her head. She was gone for a while,
And my sex appeal soon made another one smile
Cathy Parr couldn't wait till she leaped in my bed
An' we did it each night till I ended up dead.
I was sexy for sure! You can ask any wife
Or all of the the others I shagged in my life.
I boned 'em all plenty! They never said, "No",
Or I'd have 'em beheaded because I said so. | |
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I was London's most sought after nookie desire!
I lost it right about there ROFLMFAO....I have no words. |
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Forever_Amber
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16#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:24 AM)
| From: Greensleeves (Original Message) |
Sent: 1/1/2005 9:46 PM |
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It's been said that Anne Boleyn never really thought Henry would execute her, that she clung to the hope that he would either send her to a convent or to France. With what is known of Anne's personality & temperament, any ideas on how the religious life would have suited her?
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"Hey Henry, don't whack off my head,
Without it, I could end up dead,
And I do not deserve this lot
So here's a good idea I got.
I'll go away and be a nun,
But it won't stop us having fun!
You'll marry Jane, but when you're bored
You'll want the queen you once adored!
Remember how you broke your vow
When you divorced the Spanish cow?
Well Jane won't satisfy your need
When all her innards up and bleed.
You'll be distressed! You'll wanna bone
When you recall I made you moan,
And you can pay a chamber call
When I am at the convent hall."
"No Annie! This here plan won't do!
I have to rid myself of you!
I hate your guts! You had no son
God will not let you give me one!
I called the convent broad in France
And she replied, 'There's not a chance!'
She said, 'No no! It would be queer,
If Anne Boleyn was living here!
She won't fit in! She hates the pope,
Says Martin Luther's not a dope,
Her mouth is big, her hair's too long,
I'm sure we'd never get along!
She's gotta die! She must be dead
So you can have a boy instead
If Seymour croaks from giving birth
You'll find a dame with better worth!'
So, Anne, I gave the thing a try
Since I am such a sweetie pie,
But as you see, I got no choice,
With Rome, we simply have no voice!
"But Henry! You made ME the queen!
I boned you when your leg was green!
I faked it when we were in bed
So now you're gonna have my head?"
"YEP"
"Phooey..." | | |
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Forever_Amber
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17#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:25 AM)
Is it true that Anne Boleyn had 6 fingers on one hand? And is it true that the last child she gave birth to was deformed?
Of course it's true! That's why she died!
The broad had demons deep inside!
Six fingers on her ugly hand
Was proof I came to understand!
In spite of this, I loved the broad
But then I heard a voice from God
He said to me, "There's devils there
Beneath that head of raven hair!
She's got a bump! Look on her back!
You sure you want her in the sack?
She's never gonna have a male
And Tudor's line will not prevail!"
I didn't listen just at first
Cuz Annie made my member burst,
We had a boy deformed and dead
So that's when I whacked off her head. |
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Forever_Amber
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18#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:26 AM)
There's been speculation that Henry had syphilis...which could have been a reason he couldn't begat nicely. 
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I was young! I was horny! I wanted to bone!
I had no idea I was syphilis prone!
Some broad on a mattress was filled with the clap
And she gave it to me in a fanciful trap!
I couldn't resist it! She batted her eyes,
And I had no idea that she boned other guys!
She was cheap! What a slut! She was up to no good,
And she poisoned my member just like a whore would!
No, it wasn't my fault! I was young, and quite chaste,
But I needed it bad! There was no time to waste!
So I boned every broad who would lift up her skirt
And because of those women, my privates were hurt. |
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Forever_Amber
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19#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:26 AM)
I never loved a queen I wed
They ended up divorced or dead
Until I croaked before Kate Parr
Who wanted Seymour from afar!
Those broads were nuts! Take Kathy One
Who woulda made a better nun!
She prayed a lot and counted beads
Instead of baking all my seeds!
I dumped her when I spotted Anne
Who made me feel more like a man
And promised me a baby king
If she could wear my wedding ring.
I boned the dame, then we were wed
And pretty soon whacked off her head
When all she did was make a lass
Then scream at me and give me gas.
And so I married chinless Jane
Who wasn't hot and rather plain,
And though she had a bouncing boy
She never gave me any joy.
The girl was sick! She'd say. "Not now!
I got a headache! Holy cow!"
I tried to get between her thighs,
But then the broad just up and dies!
And then comes Annie straight from Cleaves
Who whinnied and she made me sneeze.
I never gave this queen a try
And told her, "It's divorce or die!"
She kept her head, I spied a Rose
Who had no thorns and I proposed
I made her queen, she slept around
And then her head fell on the ground.
I gave them all a farmer's chance
And did my best to fake romance
But I could not because you see
I never loved no one but ME! |
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Forever_Amber
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20#
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Rank:Diamond Member
Score:561
Posts:561
From: USA
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RE:The Henry VIII Poems
(Date Posted:02/20/2009 9:27 AM)
Unfortunately I cannot add Greens' The Tudor Tatler picture but I can edit later because unlike MSN we can do that here.
I am impressed! What sheer delight
To see this masterpiece tonight!
No fishwrap here, this work of art
Has made me smile right from the start!
I'd love to read about Jane's chin
And see a face that's not caved in,
And "Gay or Nay" has got to be
A must read for the likes of me!
The rag is hot! It can't be beat
Unless we make it all complete
By waxing all the tales of fun
With just a little bit of pun!
So come on gang, let's grab a quill
And write the stories with a thrill!
The cover's great, now let's add more
And see what else we have in store!
You get the drift? Now make a choice
And let us hear your Tudor voice!
A source who says, "I'm close to Jane,"
Has said "I heard the queen complain
'I am forlorn! I got no chin!
My lower face is all caved in!
I need some help! What shall I do?
Can someone lend a chin or two?
Doc doc!' "Who's there?" 'It's me! It's Jane!
My chin is gone! My face is plain!'
"What nerve you have!" The doc replied
It's all your fault Anne Bullen died!
You got no chin? You've got a head!
And Henry Tudor's in your bed!
You boned the man and told him lies
And said, 'Anne slept with lots of guys!'
He whacked her head off, married YOU
And knocked you up a peg or two!
Begone Queen Jane! Go home and cope,
You're doomed to have no chin and mope!
Take my advice and go to bed
And call me if you wake up dead."
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Painter12952
